Live Frugally on Surprise

25th April 2011

Post with 1 note

A post in which I try to start articulating thoughts again..

Self vs. security.

Freedom with loneliness.

Entrapment within companionship.

I feel almost incapable of stringing together coherent thoughts lately, especially in writing which used to be easier for me than speaking. But there have been lots of thoughts and feelings swirling around my head randomly and often in collision with eacother, paired with things happening in my life and to those around me as well as many discussions lately about life, where we’re headed and what we’re willing to sacrifice in exchange for a relative degree of comfort or desired benchmarks.

I do get lonely at times but overall I’m pretty content. And I’ve turned down people left and right for the past year and don’t regret a single one (even though some were tempting and possibly very good offers—none was exactly what I wanted). Every relationship I’ve ended—every tie I’ve cut—has been for the better and I always realize this once I get over any attachment with or habit of the person.

I still have desires but I’m no longer needy. I don’t need someone else to make me happy but I am better at sharing my happiness. I still have some insecurities but I’m no longer insecure. I like who I am, what I’m doing and where I’m going. I have enough short and long term goals to keep me occupied and focused but still enough flexibility about where I’m headed to keep me open and fluid. I see my friends who are willing to sacrifice themselves, or never even develop themselves fully, for the sake of a husband and/or children and it makes me quite sad. But if that’s their path to happiness, then I can support them and just realize the reason it makes me so sad is because it’s just not the right choice for me. At least not right now. I want someone I can really love and who excites me while being amazing to me or no one at all.

I’m going to abstain from sex for a while. I am going to focus on friends, family, myself and my hobbies. Once summer really hits and I start feeling very flirtatious, I may start dating again but only to go out and have a good time and catch a glimpse of possibilities but without getting too involved until I meet someone who floors me.

The weather is finally nice and warm. I have an almost totally new wardrobe for free thanks to my cool boss giving me all her old clothes she feels she can’t wear anymore. I’m getting back into great shape and delving more into the dance community I’ve come to love and adore. I’m going to be in two parades. I’m taking interesting classes in summer. And only have two months left of my weekend job. No more working every weekend for me ever again. And while my financial state isn’t at it’s best, I’ll be doing alright for now to get through. So overall, things are on the up and up.

p.s.—I don’t know how I’d live without music and literature..it’d be a half life at best.